Hi Everyone!!
After asking you guys what kind of content you would like to see on the blog, SO many of you requested ‘marriage advice after kids’. Because of the multiple requests, I knew it was important to take on this subject matter. I’ll be honest… It feels a little bit strange sharing my marriage openly with the world (I think it just makes me feel a little bit vulnerable). However, I think it’s a topic that most couples can relate to and I’m excited to dive right in.
Just to give you a bit of a ‘back story’ – Nick and I met while we were in high school. We were introduced by our best friends (but lived in separate cities), and we started ‘dating’ when I was 14 (I know…so young. Crazy right)? We dated throughout high school and ended up breaking up at the end of my grade 12 year. We both needed to experience life without one another and have the opportunity to become our own people. I went off to University, he went off to College. We dated other people, partied a little bit too much, all the while trying desperately to forget about one other and move on. It didn’t work so well. I called him one day at the end of my first year, and we decided to meet for a short visit. The love I had for him never changed…and all of those emotions were so intense that I knew I couldn’t live without him. We have been together ever since (married for 6 years and 2 babies later). We have known each other for a total of 16 years and I can honestly say he is my person.
I’d love to say that our marriage has always been perfect…but that’s simply not true. We are a normal married couple; we have our disagreements and arguments. There are moments after a long day that we take our exhaustion out on one another…we aren’t perfect. We have been through the hardest points in our lives together…and I mean, the HARDEST. With that said, we are happy and we have WORKED at being happy.
I don’t want this blog post to make it seem as though we know everything about having a healthy and happy marriage after kids, because we don’t. Everyone who is reading this has their own ‘situation’ – no relationship is the same. With that said, these are things that Nick and I have done (and continually do), that I believe has strengthened us as a couple in a massive way. So…read on to hear our tips. (And, if you want a deeper dive into some of my relationship advice, click here for my podcast episode on all things marriage and relationships).
We Avoid ‘Bickering’ At All Costs
I know this may be shocking to some people because let’s be honest… in a marriage it’s just such a common thing to bicker at one another on a daily basis. Nick and I simply don’t do a lot of this, and we never have. When we start getting into a silly argument over something completely unimportant, we catch ourselves pretty quickly and cut it off right away because we know it really doesn’t serve our marriage and isn’t at all productive.
I find that many couples are stuck in a bickering ‘rut’ that may seem incredibly hard to get out of. Going back and forth, blaming one another or arguing simply to argue is so common, and I totally get why it’s common. Marriage is HARD and sometimes you use one another as a scapegoat. However, one of my biggest pieces of advice is to try and shut it down. It’s not a productive form of communication, and it doesn’t do anything but build frustration and anger within your marriage. It doesn’t serve you.
We Lift One Another Up
Nick and I speak kindly to one another, and for the most part…we are on the same ‘team’. I fully believe in him as a person, a father, and a husband. I see his incredible qualities and I do everything in my power to focus on those positive features, versus picking out the things that drive me nuts about him. He does the same for me. This doesn’t mean that we are in ‘lala land’ all of the time. We have arguments when he does something that pisses me off (and vice versa). However, we don’t FIXATE on the qualities about each other that drive us crazy. Instead, we make an effort every single day to see the positive, and focus less on the negative.
We Make Time for One Another
I know, ladies. This is HARD TO DO when you have young children, and it’s even harder if you have little babies. Time alone with your partner when you have little ones can be almost non-existent (I promise, it gets easier). However, if you can try and sneak in even one date night per month, or set aside some time once the kids go to bed, your marriage will be better for it. And trust me, I have been there SO many times…the evening rolls around and all you want to do is fall into bed, completely zone out and not be bothered. That is completely fair! With that said, a happy marriage doesn’t just happen…it takes work. This means tuning into your partner and being emotionally and physically available for quality time, consistently. We talk about this in more depth on our podcast, so click here to listen in!
Talk…Just Talk
This sort of ties in to my previous point, but when is the last time you truly checked in with your partner? When is the last time you asked him/her how they feeling, how work has been, whether they are happy and OK? I know this sounds like a no brainer, but I feel like it’s overlooked a lot of the time. We get so busy with work, kids, juggling activities and household chores that having a conversation with your hubby (that doesn’t involve kids and isn’t happening while racing out the door, half distracted) becomes almost non-existent.
Nick and I are big on communicating with one another…not yelling or blaming or bickering or only talking about the children. We chat about life…about what’s been bothering us, what we are struggling with, something funny that happened that day. If this is something you’ve been overlooking in your marriage, make time to simply talk, undistracted (and not always about your kids). If you can’t do this with your spouse, who can you do it with?
We Want Happiness for One Another
Nick was the person who insisted I start a blog. He knew I wanted to do it but fear was holding me back. Now that I have a business of my own, he is so incredibly HAPPY for me. I’m busier than I have ever been (which means less family time), but he sees my passion and wants me to continue along my path. Nick and I both have our own interests, but this only makes us stronger.
I think that in any marriage, this is so essential. It’s important to allow your partner to pursue their own goals and interests. It’s important to share in their success, without feeling a sense of inferiority or a feeling of being ‘left out.’ Focusing more on how to make one another happy (versus what your partner should be doing for YOU), is vital to any successful marriage. This doesn’t mean that you shove your feelings under the rug in order to ensure your partner is happy and you aren’t. That is NOT okay, and this would only make you incredibly withdrawn and unhappy. What I mean, is when both partners want happiness for the other person, it’s a win win situation.
Remember that You Both Started FIRST….Before the Kids Came
It’s so easy to forget who you were as a couple before you had kids, isn’t it? Children completely change your world and flip it upside down, in the most beautiful and challenging ways possible. But, try and remember back to the days that your (now) spouse was your entire world. You were madly in love. But…why were you madly in love? What made you feel all of those butterflies in your belly? Bring yourself back to those moments as often as you possibly can, in between the diaper changes, house cleaning, and dinner prep. Try not to lose sight of the fact that you two started before you brought your children into this world, and that in itself is IMPORTANT and SPECIAL.
So, there you have it. A little dive into my marriage and things we do (and don’t do) that has really helped strengthen it. For those who are looking for more inspiration relating to relationships, head to my podcast episode where Nat and I talk about our marriages and what we do to make it work.
Due to the popularity of this post, I’ve added some bonus content that I think you’ll love! If your relationship is feeling a bit stale these days and need some suggestions on spicing things up, I highly recommend opting into this free download! Enjoy! xo
Lots of love,
Alexandra XO
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I completely agree with everything!
Especially when it comes to the bickering. I think that talking negative back and forth to each other may become a common thing in most marriages. Couples truly need to realize when they are doing this to not take it any further. It becomes a cycle which leads to an unhealthy marriage and unhappy couples.
Also, I love how you mentioned that couples need to find a way to make time for one another and to just talk about anything! Putting in that extra effort makes it all worthwhile!
I totally agree, Jessica!! And if you like this topic, I have a podcast (Here For Her podcast) and there’s an episode on there specific to couples and relationships 🙂 Thanks for your comment, girl! xo
Hi! I happened to stumble upon this on pinterest while looking for new decorative projects for my sons room lol. I really appreciate the article and l definitely took some notes, especially for avoiding arguing. My husband and I have been to together for over 3 years and we’ve been through it ALL lol and we always get back on top because we work amazing as a team…. but what we go through to get back on top isn’t always fun. We both aren’t the nicest when it comes to being stressed and can be pretty mean to each other. In the end we apologize and love each other but it still sucks. so now I am going to make more of an effort to not feed in or to not bicker back. On a side note, I am currently going to nursing school and I love it but writing has always been my calling and my husband has been pressuring me to either finish my book or start my own blog. I would love to hear how this all works and how you gotstarted!! Thanks!
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Hi Taylor! So glad you enjoyed the article. Feel free to message me on instagram (honestly_alexandra) if you have any questions as it pertains to starting a blog; I’m happy to help! 🙂 And you can also find an episode on my podcast relating to business/blogging. Just search ‘Here For Her Podcast’ on your podcast listening platform and our podcast will be there 🙂 xo
Thank you so much for sharing!! This all seems very helpful and “real” in my own marriage. My husband and I have been together 15 years this July and have had countless ups and downs and now have 4 children ranging from 1-13 years old. I feel like we have lost our spark and I take much of the blame from just getting caught up in life’s busy nature. I’m praying if I implement your tips and advice that we can get back to the love we had in our beggining. God bless you and your family.
Hi Heather! Thank you so much for your comment. Sending big hugs your way as you work on your marriage! xo
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Thank you, my wife sent me this to read because we don’t have a lot of time for one another, and when we do I’m the one falling asleep not because I don’t want to spend time with her, but tired from my job, she is my world along with our daughter. She deserves more than she gets, we are currently seeing a counselor to try help our marriage. Thanks again for sharing and look forward to reading more.
Hi Roland,
Thank you so much for sharing your struggles. And know that you are not alone…SO many couples struggle with this stuff. It’s so wonderful that you’re seeing a counsellor and making an effort to make your marriage better. Thinking of you guys!
Thank you for sharing this. We got married when I was in my 30’s and he was 40. Our first baby is now 6 months old and had a dramatic birth and NICU stay. Now, we’re trying to figure out how to recover and reconnect as a couple. I will be taking some of this advice to heart.
Hi JoAnn,
Thank you so much for sharing a bit of your story. I too can relate to a traumatic birth, and how hard it can be on a marriage. Try and use one another as support as much as you can; remember that you’re both in this together. I know it isn’t easy at all, but I hope the article was helpful! xo
I love this! It’s so hard to make time with littles.
Hi Asia! It is SO hard, I totally get it. So glad you found this helpful, girl. Reach out anytime! xo
I love this…I just got married recently.
Please keep me posted